Hole Hearted

The news was so sudden, so traumatic that the emotional crater was cauterized at the time. The bleeding didn't start until later.

When I got the call I dropped to the floor. All the blood drained out of me. MY boy?! What?! I knew he was troubled. We'd had him to see counselors since he was 11. But he was a sweet sensitive child and it was hard to believe how strange he'd become in the last year.

Where was my sweet baby boy? Where had he gone? It was like he entered into a dark tunnel and I was at the end of it screaming for him to come back! Come out! Calling and calling for him to come back to us.

When the police came, I couldn't cry. The news was so sudden, so shocking; it was like I was emotionally cauterized. We had to go to the morgue and identify his body, and my husband was screaming and crying.

But I couldn't cry. I was dead just like my boy. My heart felt like a big crater had been blasted into it. I can't believe he was able to get a gun and hide it! We had no clue. I know you think that's unlikely, that we must have ignored the signs and been out of touch or in denial. But we had no clue. How could you ever believe your own child was capable of doing something like that? That he had been hiding such dark thoughts. Such hatred. I knew he'd been a misfit, but I had no idea he hated those other kids enough to shoot them all!

I don't know how to go on with this hole in my heart.

Hole 1
Hole 2
Hole 3